You Need to Study More Geography If You Think...

~ The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek

~ The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance

~ The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Camilla

~ The $20,000 Pyramid is in Egypt

~ Butte Montana is Joe's new girlfriend

~ The United Kingdom is a theme park with really big roller coasters (most notably, the Loch Ness Monster!)

~ Andes is an after dinner mint

~ The Dust Bowl is Granny's old favorite dish

~ The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion

~ The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band

~ The Cumberland Gap gives out a free pair of clogs with every set of jeans sold

~ The International Dateline is a new website for finding your soulmate

~ The Equator is a cartoon action figure
~ The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket

~ An archipelago is a food stabilizer

~ A fault is what you find in other people

~ A fjord is a Norwegian car

Anna Kathryn
www.aklanier.com

Spooktaculary Funny One-liners - in Honor of Halloween

Q. Why did the ghost go to the doctor?

A. To get his boo-ster shot?
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Q. Why are there fences around cemeteries?

A. Because so many people are dying to get in!

------Q. Where does Dracula water ski?

A. On Lake Eerie!
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Q. Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?

A. At the blood bank.
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Q. When does a ghost need a license?

A. During "haunting" season.

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Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch!

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Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?

A: Spelling!

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Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?

A: Hoblin Goblin.

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Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone.

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Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He's mist

~Anna Kathryn

http://www.aklanier.com/

Amusing Conflicting Proverbs

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry!

It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.
The nail that sticks out gets hammered.

from Jokes-A-Day

~Anna Kathryn

Top Ten Signs You're a Lousy Cook

10. Your family heads for the dinner table when they hear the smoke detector.

9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like!

8. When your toddler goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows.

7. Your kids' favourite drinks are Alka-Seltzer and Pepto Bismal!

6. Your family is perpetually jealous of the delicious-looking food in Fido's bowl.

5. Your kids got even with the neighbourhood bully by inviting him for brunch.

4. Your kids got suspended from school for smuggling toxic waste into the cafeteria.

3. Your husband refers to that smoke detector as the 'dinner bell'.

2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns blue!

And the SUREST SIGN you are a lousy cook...

1. You cause kitchen fires when making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

*From Jokes a Day

BTW, I'll be posting a recipe tomorrow...

~Anna Kathryn
www.aklanier.com
www.myspace.com/aklanier

Horrific Domain Names

Make sure you don't make the same mistake these folks made when setting up their web sites. It's not always easy choosing the right domain name... but you can't do much worse than these five!


1) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
www.penisland.net


2) Firstly there is "Who Represents?" - a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
www.whorepresents.com


3) Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:
www.expertsexchange.com


4) Need a therapist? Try:
www.therapistfinder.com


5) Finally we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New SouthWales:
www.molestationnursery.com

Note: If you did not get this joke, go back and read the domains carefully!

~Jokes A Day

Anna Kathryn

Lost in Translation

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be difficult, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example...

~ The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.

~ Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

~ In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

~ Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

~ Japan's second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

~ When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

~ Chicken-man Frank Perdue's slogan, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained "It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused."

~ In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

~ When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

~ Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals". Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

~ An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

~ Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means " big breasts." In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

~ The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

~ Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of of a nororious porno magazine.

~ In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence the slogan, "Orange juice. It gets your pecker up."

Anna Kathryn
www.aklanier.com

The Cynic's Guide to Life

~ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

~ I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts and ...

~ Follow your dream! .... Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

~ When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

~ It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

~ Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

~ This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting relatives stay over.

~ This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

~ Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't ... you can't wait to throw up.

~Anna Kathryn

Really Harsh Comeback Lines

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

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Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

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Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

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Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertalized.

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Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

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Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: DO NOT ENTER

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Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: Well, if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing!

~Anna Kathryn
www.aklanier.com

Some Friday Funnies

In addition to receiving "On This Day" http://www.reference.com/thisday/ to my mailbox each day, I also get "A Joke A Day" JokeFiles3-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. Sometimes, I'm too busy to even read the jokes, but this came through to me on Wednesday and I had a chance to read it. I thought you'd enjoy it as well:

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES

-- I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

-- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

-- Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

-- To write with a broken pencil is pointless!

-- The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

-- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

-- The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

-- The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

-- The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

-- A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

-- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

-- A will is a dead giveaway.

-- A backward poet writes inverse.

-- A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

-- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

-- A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

-- A calendar's days are numbered.

-- A boiled egg is hard to beat.

-- If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

-- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

-- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis