October 3, 2011
As the leaves begin to turn and fall from the trees, I generally do more book signings because of the simple fact that I'm a paranormal author. Sometimes I may do four to five signings in October.
Well, last year I was asked to sign books at a wine shop in my hometown on Halloween afternoon! Coolest! I'd get to sign books, wear my silly witch hat and drink wine with other wine drinkers who might just get tipsy enough to stroll over and talk to the goofy witch and maybe, just maybe buy a book. My book signing was scheduled for a couple of hours and I'd have time to run home, grab my three little goblins and head out the door for trick or treating! Awesome! I was all set! I had my books lined up on my spooky Halloween table cloth, wine in hand, witch hat on and I was ready for my fans. Well...I think my only fan for the first hour or so was the cricket in the corner. BTW, it didn't help that the wine shop owner forgot to advertise my signing with the adorable posters I'd sent her. Nice...sigh.
So, I was there, burning up in a long witch dress, pointy witch hat and gold eye lashes longer than the Mississippi River. After a while a group of young women come in and sit at a nearby table and order lots of wine and cheese. Cool. Drink up, girls and mosey on over here. Come buy my Jack-the-Ripper Tale. Please! I'm lonely and my wine glass is empty. So, a few minutes pass and the wine shop owner comes to my table and leans over to whisper in my ear. "You about ready to do some readings?"
I swear my fake eyelashes hit my forehead! Readings? What readings? "Uh...readings?"
The lady's mouth falls open. "Yes. Readings. You said you were a paranormal author."
Uh..yeah, lady. I write about paranormal stuff...in the romance fiction world that means I write about vampires, werewolves, other-worldly stuff...ghosts..maybe..but I sure as hell don't talk to them. I DON'T see dead people. Ever.
"That's right. I'm a paranormal author. I write mostly werewolf books. Paranormal is a genre, not to be confused with paranormal activity."
The lady is not pleased. Her lips pucker and she stares at me with Lucille Ball eyeballs! "That table of women are all expecting readings!"
I lean over and say, "Are you telling me I need to give them readings, as in psychic?"
"But I'm not a fortune teller."
She just stares and stomps her foot for a full minute, then says in an icy tone, "I think you should read for them."
"I can do that. I'll just fake it."
She smiles. Sort of. "Good. I'll tell them you're ready."
Holy crap! I can't believe I have to read for these people! I'm not a damn psychic! But I remember back to a psychic fair I went to with my good friend and remember all the psychics who read for me. I can do this. Just fake it. Tell them a bunch of happy bull crap! They're drunk! They won't know! Just do it! So the first girl rushes up, all excited and I ask for her hand. Hell! I don't even remember what all these lines stand for. I think this long one is the life line and then the love line...wow..uh..okay..here goes.
"Looks like you have had two very interesting romantic relationships. Both of them were very dear to your heart."
The girl nods and whispers. "Wow. You can see that?"
"Sure. See that line there? That's the love line. See how it breaks off into two here and then a third line, it goes to the end of your hand. That's your soulmate."
She giggles. I feed her some more bullcrap and she leaves all giddy and happy. Hell yeah! I can do this. The next girl comes up and I change it up a bit but say some more happy sunshine crapola and she trots off happy as a lark too. A line forms. I see like twenty women before the night is over and half of them tip me five bucks!
And I don't sell a single book. The wine shop lady rushes over as I'm making my way to the door and thanks me for a great night! "Can you come do this next Halloween?"
"Sure. Call me."
I walk to my car and toss my box of unsigned books into the back of my car and slide behind the wheel before glancing at my reflection in the rear view mirror and winking with golden eyelashes and giggling to myself. I drive off and floor it home, excited about dressing up my little ones for a night of trick or treating.